Dating is stressful, even before the possibility of the person you like blowing it with a sh*tty kiss.
It’s a ruthless, artificial setup where you put your heart, personality and looks up for scrutiny by a stranger.
Yet, it’s the process we all force ourselves through to find our Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Of course, it’s an experience where we are able to weigh the positives and the negatives and ultimately realize what we do and do not want out of a relationship.
When you’ve made it through your date, you have to make a decision:
The Swift Goodbye: This involves no contact of any sort. He or she has spent the past hour talking about him or herself and wants you to pay 100 percent of the bill.
This will never work. You simply say thanks and goodbye. “I’ll text you!” he or she says. (You will never respond.)
The Kiss on the Cheek: He or she was probably really sweet and has a lot of personality, but this relationship doesn’t have a future.
Maybe something isn’t quite right, or you two lacked chemistry. Could you be friends?
The Kiss: Occasionally, you go on dates and it’s different. You meet people you are genuinely interested in — people you could see yourself spending a lot of time with.
You like him or her and you want a second date (and maybe more). Now, don’t f*ck this up.
If you go through with the kiss, here are some things you should avoid at all costs:
1. The Biter
A little nibble on the lips can be a massive turn on. Don’t bite too hard, though.
This is a first kiss, and you’re meant to impress, not eat this person. You’ll blow your chances if you’re too aggressive.
2. The Tongue
French kissing is perfectly acceptable, but don’t go in for the kiss with closed eyes, an open mouth and an extended tongue that doesn’t recoil.
People don’t want a warm slug pushed to the back of their throats; you’ll immediately kill the romance.
3. The Bad Breath
You’ve just spent two hours impressing this person, and you’ve ruined it with your halitosis.
There is nothing more unattractive than kissing someone who smells like stale smoke, garlic or worse.
Bad personal hygiene is a massive turnoff. Buy some gum and a toothbrush, and sort it out.
4. The Weird Noises
This is the strangest of all. Surely, you’re not having an orgasm because of a kiss, so you shouldn’t be grunting and panting. Pull yourself together and stop growling; you’re not a dog.
5. The Sloppy One
Most people are quite happy remaining dry during a kiss. Your tongue should never be long, wet and limp; this person’s face should never have a wet upper lip, wet lower lip, wet cheek or wet chin.
If he or she has to pull away and wipe of his or her face, it’s definitely not hot.
6. The Pecker
If you’re going in for a kiss, make sure you do just that. Don’t be a serial pecker with a closed mouth and pouted lips; it just gets awkward. Leave the pecking for chickens.
One final thing to always remember: Don’t be that couple who decides to eat each other’s faces for dessert in the middle of a busy restaurant.
It’s not pretty, unless he or she is really pretty. Then, you’re off the hook.